depression

if I don't start soon, I'll continue to sink farther and farther into the slough of despond. I've always liked that phrase. I cannot sleep right. went to sleep at 0300. or rather, lay down then. still awake when the TV went into its 0400 reset. I was making endless movies on my eyelids. people i didn't know places I'd never been, viewing them totally outside of my body - i'm just not involved.

so i'm up again at 0730. oh yeas, and I've got some mysterious belly ache for 3 or 4 days. feels like gas that can't get out. no matter what i eat, it sits there and hurts. if I stand up and walk, i'm able to belch much of the pain away.

i'm so profoundly depressed, i can barely get out of bed. i manage to make it to scheduled events - like my JOB fircrissakes, two out of three days, most weeks. to the symphony, with effort.
I need to make an appointment with the cardio doc. - have needed to since October. I need to call medicare again and see if they've straightened out the "she has kaiser NO I DON'T" problem.. I could go to my local clinic if i knew this - and could convince them of this

i desperately need to get my house cleaned. i have a little cash, i could hire someone. the kicker here is that so much of the mess is insurance and medicare papers, and other personal junk probably from5 years back which absolutely requires my participation. same for the yard I've been meaning to call Mary Ho for both the dog and cleaning help. Just like the October time since when I should have called the doctor. I DESPERATELY need to have a dog keeper set up I can call if/when I'm hospitalized. Last time around, seems Leah has decided I'm too much trouble. I got no response asking them to go open the door for the dog. My amazing puppy lasted 17 hours I went to work at 2230 -straight to the hospital where I stayed all day getting the atrial fibrillation under control - receiving an increase in the medication that was already making me depressed as fuck. I got home around 1700 and the floor was still dry.
When I lay down this mooring at 0300, I felt really pretty bad, and I noticed that Martina made herself especially available to cuddle, so i could rest my head on her and my arm what a fine puppy. and that's another thing my poor baby hasn't been to the park in two weeks. I've GOT to get out of the house.

Every day I expect to feel better tomorrow. Every tomorrow I'm still a day older and feeling closer to death

The next great depression is only a moment away

Greece is almost in default. Japan is in massive deflation. Spain is putting new austerity measures in place. Much of Europe (see last article) is struggling to maintain solvency. Might be time to buy gold. Without looking it up, I'd guess the price of Au is well past $1,000 an ounce now. Wish I had some

So many fat cats getting fatter by eating all the fish. We've almost come full circle to the days when the rulers took all the production and left the serfs to starve. So the serfs got educated, took over the rule of law, and saw government as 'benevolent rulers,' supposedly doling out benefits paid for by the tax on their production. The big cats want most of the fish, so they pay for a rule of law that exempts them from taxation and responsibility. The biggest cats soon owned all the fish.

It's all fixed and you can't change it

Once again, a line from a rock song sez it all. read the story - the whole thing.

"I don't pretend to understand much about how derivatives work or what hedge fund managers do, but I've been watching the ups and downs of Apple's stock price long enough to recognize a pattern when I see it.

This one was a classic slingshot, described succinctly by Jason Schwarz in his seminal Apple: Seven Reasons Shorts Love It:

"If you can keep a good stock down," he wrote, "then you are able to load up for the ride back up. It's like a slingshot — the harder you pull, the more propulsion you generate." "

Whence?

"I won't die. Of that I am all but certain. My life is too contingent to lead to anything so absolute as death. No doubt I will eventually fade away and be lost in oblivion, as I would have done long ago if the poet hadn't summoned me into existence. Perhaps I will become a false dream clinging like a bat to the underside of the leaves of. . ."

Got to find where this comes from . . . an ending quote from a recent Jon Carroll column.

Ursula Le Guin - new novel, "Lavinia." Le Guin picks a bit player out of Virgil's epic poem, "The Aeneid," and builds that character's story into its own epic.

Le Guin learned Latin in her 70's to read Virgil in the original. Today's lesson

Oh My Goodness

Inner space discoveries

An under-sea city - discovered from space. They are looking for funding to explore on the ground (so to speak) er under the sea on the bottom. Location a secret - but some Caribbean island probably owns it. Wow! nice to know where to buy up some real estate. Someone knows already, no doubt. The proper records search should show where property sales pace has recently picked up. The things I could do if I had $ and/or motivation! The picture is compelling. I'm trying to figure out how to request news on this subject to be delivered to me regularly. Maybe after some sleep :)

Religion

. . .belief in invisible beings, inaudible voices, intangible entities, undetectable forces, and events and judgments that happen after we die.
Straight from the DSM IV

"And therefore, it still disables reality checks... making people more vulnerable to oppression, fraud, and abuse."

An alternate view:

Society Without God

Whoopee! Who needs to tweet when I only wanna talk to myself, anyway!

Just a little test of my new mobile bloggerama!

The more things change. . .

Joe Stalin's grandson is suing a Moscow newspaper for libel for saying his papa ordered the death of thousands. Jean Sarkozy, 23, son of the French President, is about to be appointed head of the richest, most powerful business group in central Paris. Cries of nepotism, and 'dynasty' abound. Thanks to BBC America. Can no longer get channel 32, Russia Today news. They were way too real, in our US un-real news. Gone off the cable.

Needed: a catastrophe

If this is not a red flag . . . If the Goddess is listening. . . If we don't blow ourselves up, we will destroy the human genome with chemicals. A civilization leveling event is in order. Not necessarily a species obliteration (that'd be us) but certainly any one of the easily forseeable events now on the horizon. Catastrophic climate overload; a stray nuke, in, say, the Panama Canal; eruption of the Yellowstone subduction zone. I'm really gonna have to live to 120 ! to see if all my predictions come about. 60 more years. groan smile I'd better start working out heh heh heh.

Ground Control to Major Tom

NASA crashed the LCROSS really big rocket into a dark crater near the pole on the moon. Idea is to blast a bunch of surface material into space so they could analyze it for content - water, hopefully, and other hydrogen compounds. It all happened around 04:00 but I just watched it on the DVR. Watching the craters of the moon growing larger and larger as the craft descends put me in mind of the vastness of the universe, and my infinitesimal size in relation to it all. Really - take a second or two: picture it all expanding outward from your center; be overwhelmed!

Jarrod

Andrew's Best Friend Forever died in a car crash last night. For about 4 hours this morning I didn't know where Andrew was. Jarrod was his single Mom's only child; they were probably as close as Joe and I were during his younger teens. I can't even partially imagine the pain. I believe I would still be screaming. Andrew and one of the "girl" friends and her mom were en route to J's house by 11AM and there now, still, I imagine. Leah says Mom is a woman of faith, and I do pray her church folk are there for her. Perhaps that would make her way a bit easier.

I do believe there are other dimensions we can pass to. I believe light and learning abound there. We scream only for ourselves in this one, even knowing that. Leah said she was going to urge Andrew to spend the night there (if Mom wanted) and my first thought was: knowing that "other" little boy - young man - was in that room and MY SON WOULD NEVER be there again would kill me. I'd scream all night, as well. I don't even know this woman, never met her, but the urge to hug her and cry with her is overwhelming me right now. There will be those close to her doing that right now, again I pray.

Maher on Huffington Post

Andy Borowitz: Palin-Prejean Alliance Predicted in Book of Revelations

According to Dr. Logsdon, in 1555 Nostradamus predicted the alliance between the two right-wing beauties when he wrote, "The slayer of beasts shall meet the barer of breasts."

Or somebody. . . I've been clicking through for so long, I've lost track; the page is here

The dog is outside alone -no kitty to chase- enviously listening to, and I suppose , smelling, the party going on a notch or two down the hill in back. Such a social creature, my darling dog. She deserves more than me.

Just what we need-a new drug

just what the world needs. NightLine just did a story on South Africa where the latest fad is smoking Anti Retro Virals. It appears to be a stupifying, violence inducing high. ARVs are plentiful (and cheap thanks to a US group sponsoring them) due to SA having the highest HIV rate in Africa. As a little kicker, the ARVs have no prophylactic effect when smoked, but they do introduce enough of the ARV to the person to produce a resistance to ARV drugs when introduced to treat HIV.

I see the planet entering a long period of die off of all species, all the way up to the top of the food chain. So, the next generation of HIV persons will not have any extended period of life -perhaps to not infect others? And of course, to create ARV resistant HIV strains. Every single other STD has rigorous reporting and notifications required. Which shows you how powerful the gay lobby was in the 80's when the plague first manifested at large. I know that is not politically correct, but truth is truth. I am the most gay LGBT person on the planet, claiming a couple of those initials myself, but let's be real folks. I believe the Mother has no intention of letting Herself be sucked lifeless by the parasites upon her.

She relentlessly kills off entire populations with flood, fire, wind, pestilence. Maybe She even effects the mental state of our leaders who start lethal/illegal conflicts. Certainly the brains of the young, disaffected males who shoot up groups of their peers on a regular basis.

Which could bring me back to fretting over Pakistan, a severely dysfunctional state, with nuclear capabilities and one of the most sexually repressed religions on the planet. Combined with the other Muslim states, the potential for "Let's Play Global Thermonuclear War" All that excess testosterone. Oh my.

Another WOW moment

After a day spent watching Obama's inaugural everything, crying, laughing, crying some more. . .

Quel surprise!! Qaddafi, who seems to have achieved a sort of wisdom in his old age, offers a solution to the Israel/Palestine dilemma. I can hardly wait to see the reactions of the Mid-East bloggers I follow. Also to read the historians' take on the veracity of his points.

Bells and things

Learned a -to me- amazing new thing tonight. PBS show about the dinosaurs of the arctic; the appearance, or lack thereof, of serrations, or 'teeth' on the edges of leaves is an almost perfect indicator of how cold or temperate the climate during a particular period . " fewer teeth, smaller tooth area, and lower degree of blade dissection in warmer environments.^" . A complicated water exchange mechanism. This was my paradigm shift moment. the rest follows nicely. So, the North coast of Alaska was far more temperate 70 million years ago. But the high latitude also made for a greater swing in high and low temps, leading to the conclusion that the 'arctic' dinos were far more adaptable than the southern cousins. Diversity was enormous then, but was already shrinking by the time the 65 million year ago asteroid climate disaster happened. Then the planet wide long winter that arose wouldn't necessarily be the extinction triggering event, since the ''arctic' dinos proved they could survive much cooler climes. Lack of diversity seems to be a species killer. We are now spiraling down that very path.

Another amazing PBS thing: The Raleigh Ringers: hand bell ensemble, with holiday music. I recently read a book in which 'ringers' appeared in a subplot. I understood the concept, but never pictured the intricacies of music they could perform. They're just a treat to watch and marvel over. "English hand bell ringing" The book, scifi alt future, was set in England. I'll remember the name of it soon.

The foriegn press, oh my!

( look up contributors list )
this prompted by a long piece on Russia Today the "mood in America" by showing some right wing radio host ( a solidly believable group NOT)about all the Obama contributors from off shore accounts. Reminds me that's exactly what my sister said. This guy was positively rabid! Is it some mineral in the soil causing otherwise intelligent humans to believe any of that crap? When it's so easily disproved with a bit of reading effort. Russia Today "poll 40% think Obama's term will end with a graceful bow before a period of US decline. 29% say change possible, whether for better or worse (these people really like decisions) 20% think it will produce a humble America (more hysterical laughter), first among equals. 11% think it will show greater tolerance and hope for minorities.

One must read or watch the foreign press. Reality knocking.

The Oprah factor

An economics pre-doc proved that Oprah's support got Barack over 1 million votes - in the primaries - leading to his place. . . in place to change history. Everything happens for a reason. Hmmm, one wonders how Hilary feels about that.

Change has come. Little black boys - and girls - can now know that anything is possible. The rest of the world is pretty happy, too. But here, we have collective guilt, responsibility, for living in, yes, the greatest country on this Earth, that was founded on genocide, inquisition and slavery. And maybe we have made an evolutionary step forward. Maybe the aliens will land now. ha ha ha ha.

I had a flash earlier about Black folks having a Sally Fields moment, where they can actually put away the pervasive feelings that no matter what, white folks will always put them down. That would certainly be a transformative paradigm shift. And there is really no other country in the world that could understand that, because there is no history anywhere else to have created our personal racial issues.

My sister - oh my goddess, an otherwise intelligent woman, today was telling me "you know, he's NOT African American, he's half African and half American, and 1/4 of his background is Muslim, and they were not the slaves, they were the slave takers." Oh. My. God. And then I asked, " so how does this pertain to him, now?" "Well, we'll see." And more from the right wing hate spewers - it was there, just waiting to pop out. Well, that didn't sound very hateful. Maybe I'm just projecting. She finished it off by saying 'well we won't have that argument right now.'

The "ultimate" color line has been crossed? Brown babies. smile

"Without contention, without having to march in the streets to get our votes counted." Gloria Steinem on Oprah (the late rerun)( cuz you know, 16:00 is for the dog park)

still tryin to publish this from the 28th

well, lookit that - it's there - twice. in IE right now. gotta switch back -. . .well, it's saved twice in draft form. let's see if i can publish from here.

(this from the 28th - when blogger.com was not lettin' me publish. or maybe it's my browser, in some inexplicable way. The 'button' "publish" connects to "Javascript:void(0)" ie., it goes nowhere and I get a "invalid character" message. Well, the hover over shows the same, now. I started up blogger.com w/IE tab in Firefox. (FF and IE tab having both worked here just fine in the past.) I suppose I'll have to try native IE. My frelling links work. but theirs don't go figure

Pakistan is on the verge of being a failed state, and it has 50 nuclear weapons. The Pashtun region, encompassing Afghanistan and Pakistan. Completely The U. S. govt. is threatening to go across the boarder into Pakistan. This, of course, is totally illegal, world-law wise. But we did. 50 nuclear weapons. Frontline has me overflowing with post-atomic world visions. That part of the world virtually glows with potential death and destruction - as I see it flashing before my eyes in clouds of light and energy. It only remains to be seen how far the glow will spread, and how far the destruction will go toward total disintegration of society.

August 4th, 1961

Barack Obama was born two days after my 19th birthday, so I could (have) be(en) his mother. Although that was several years before I decided that brown babies would be the salvation of our society. Big smile. Golly gee whiz. We've taken a step toward racial blindness. Forget equality - people are equal - as equal as the individual person can aspire to be. The Supreme Court! Ta Da! However, the three most likely justices to retire soon are already the liberal 3.

I'd wish to be more eloquent and profound here . . . I'd also wish that Blogger.com would let me publish my frelling posts without the damned javascript(void)0 error.