depression

if I don't start soon, I'll continue to sink farther and farther into the slough of despond. I've always liked that phrase. I cannot sleep right. went to sleep at 0300. or rather, lay down then. still awake when the TV went into its 0400 reset. I was making endless movies on my eyelids. people i didn't know places I'd never been, viewing them totally outside of my body - i'm just not involved.

so i'm up again at 0730. oh yeas, and I've got some mysterious belly ache for 3 or 4 days. feels like gas that can't get out. no matter what i eat, it sits there and hurts. if I stand up and walk, i'm able to belch much of the pain away.

i'm so profoundly depressed, i can barely get out of bed. i manage to make it to scheduled events - like my JOB fircrissakes, two out of three days, most weeks. to the symphony, with effort.
I need to make an appointment with the cardio doc. - have needed to since October. I need to call medicare again and see if they've straightened out the "she has kaiser NO I DON'T" problem.. I could go to my local clinic if i knew this - and could convince them of this

i desperately need to get my house cleaned. i have a little cash, i could hire someone. the kicker here is that so much of the mess is insurance and medicare papers, and other personal junk probably from5 years back which absolutely requires my participation. same for the yard I've been meaning to call Mary Ho for both the dog and cleaning help. Just like the October time since when I should have called the doctor. I DESPERATELY need to have a dog keeper set up I can call if/when I'm hospitalized. Last time around, seems Leah has decided I'm too much trouble. I got no response asking them to go open the door for the dog. My amazing puppy lasted 17 hours I went to work at 2230 -straight to the hospital where I stayed all day getting the atrial fibrillation under control - receiving an increase in the medication that was already making me depressed as fuck. I got home around 1700 and the floor was still dry.
When I lay down this mooring at 0300, I felt really pretty bad, and I noticed that Martina made herself especially available to cuddle, so i could rest my head on her and my arm what a fine puppy. and that's another thing my poor baby hasn't been to the park in two weeks. I've GOT to get out of the house.

Every day I expect to feel better tomorrow. Every tomorrow I'm still a day older and feeling closer to death